Hey Mercenaries 2, come in and sit down next to me for a minute. We need to talk. Don’t stare at me like that, you knew this was going to happen. Let’s face it, we’re not right for each other. I know when we started this thing we agreed it was just for fun. Nothing serious right? No real plot to speak of, Resident Evil-quality dialogue, as much depth as a pothole. That was all ok though, we both knew what we were getting into.
The thing is...I need more. I need a game that offers something more substantial than tanks and airstrikes! I need character development! I need guns that fire accurately, not ones that spray bullets wildly no matter the range. Listen, you’ve got some great qualities. I can’t remember the last time I saw fire effects like yours. The first time I dropped a Daisy Cutter bomb on a Venezuelan Army installation and my character had to shield her eyes from the blast, I thought we’d be together longer than this. Oh, and flying a helicopter while dodging SAM fire and tank shells never got old. You just need some time to mature a little. I mean, you were in development a long time, and you still have issues. I clip through hills, your AI won’t be winning any Mensa awards and worst of all, you have game breaking bugs that halt gameplay altogether. Those bugs worry me the most. Maybe you should get tested?
I won’t lie to you...I’ve been thinking about an ex a lot lately. You might know it...Bioshock? Bioshock’s dependable! It’s smart, and mysterious and makes me think about the world around me! What can you offer like that? More airstrikes? Fiona telling me that “if you ever get lost, just come back to the PMC, I might have suggestions” for the 800th time in an hour? Here’s a suggestion Fiona, record more than 3 lines of speech for Mercs 3. Even with your Aussie accent I grew to hate you for bugging me so often.
I still want to hang out now and then ok? Let’s just be friends. Oh, and I’m keeping your achievement points. It’s not like you were stingy with giving them out, were you?