By Paul Hunter
DEAR GABBY: I'm an Aperture scientist in my late 30's and have spent the last decade locked up in our Enrichment Center researching ways to give Companion Cubes some personality. After an experiment gone wrong I seem to have created some weird Cube/sheep hybrid that just won't stand still. They prance about in the most unintelligent of ways and it's impossible to get them to stand still and cooperate during testing! It was deemed a failure by the artificial life that oversees our operations, GLaDOS, and one of her Morality Cores escorted me off the premises immediately. The thing is, I had never laid eyes on GLaDOS until that day, and now I can't get her demure image out of my head. To be honest, I had never encountered a woman with such snarky one-liners before, and it kind of excited me when she talked about "testing me" for the rest of my life. She kept on referencing cake too, but I assumed that was part of the fun.
I did manage to smuggle one of the facilities Portal Guns and some nights I sneak into the Relaxation Vault in hopes of "feeling" her presence.
What advice do you have to help get my post back at Aperture Laboratories and see this narcissist, passive-aggressive beauty that fills my every dream? -- MAD SCIENTIST FROM MICHIGAN
DEAR MAD SCIENTIST FROM MICHIGAN: First of all, your technosexuality is more than a little creepy. You do realize that she will never be able to satisfy you like a real woman could? Anyway, my advice to you is this: take your portal gun out to the Atlantic Ocean and fire a blue portal to the ocean floor, then return home. The next time you start fantasizing about GLaDOS take a deep breath and shoot a yellow portal at the ceiling above your head. Yaay!