Jan 5, 2017

Dear Gabby: Veteran Pendulum Wars soldier seeks comfort in sweet Swarm claws

By Paul Hunter

DEAR GABBY: I have a confession to make. For months now I’ve been dutifully playing Gear of War 4’s Horde Mode but have knowingly been a naughty little Juvie during waves; however, like the Energizer Bunny, I just can’t stop. Here’s the set-up and what happens every single match:

First, I choose my E-Day Hoffman skin since naturally he’s the most badass character in the entire Gears universe. I mean he was only one of three people to hold the keys to the Hammer of Dawn, how nucking futs cool must you be to have one of those bad boys in your pocket? Plus, he attended every day of Marcus’ trail, and who doesn’t like someone that punctual?

Next, I choose my class (Soldier) since day-to-day I generally feel quite general. After obnoxiously switching several times between my Hot Pink Trooper Gnasher and Tiger Lancer (rarr, baby!) for attention, I get emotionally charged when I hear the roar of the Swarm that kicks off every wave. At first I can contain myself, but by about unlucky Wave 13, I find myself trying so hard to replicate the roar that my neighbours think I own a pet lion. But that’s not even the problem!

Between me and you, as I hear more and more of that soothing, sweet Swarm grunting sound (Scion Dropshots are my fav), I just want to reach out and feel what it's like to touch them. The problem is, of course, that the Swarm have not learned the value of reciprocating and tend to either bash my skull into concrete, or Lancer me a gaping new hole. It’s kind of ironic, too, because these unnecessarily aggressive actions always leave a gaping hole in my heart.

My teammates always react the same way: “why are you constantly suiciding, you idiot!” “what in the h*ll is this guy doing?!”. For me, it’s unrequited love in its most grotesque, yet alluring form. I know it might take some time for the Swarm to come around and see my inner COG beauty, but do you think we have a long-shot chance? – YEARNING PENDULUM WAR SOLDIER IN EAST YORK

DEAR YEARNING PENDULUM WAR SOLDIER IN EAST YORK: Having been knocked around for years by Little Mac, I too have been on the receiving end of far too many nasty left, right hooks. In your case though, where I think you went astray is your choice of character—Hoffman just isn’t the hunka hunka man for the job. Try this: choose Zombie Dom, lure the most beautiful Swarm creature you can find into a secluded corner (decoys can help draw those tantalizing beasts in), and then POP! turn it into meat chunks with your Hot Pink Trooper Gnasher. You see, Zombie Dom’s a little bit different than you and I, he finds love through his stomach, and guess what, you just prepared him a succulent Swarm meal. Yaay!

If you have a question about love, life or video games for DEAR GABBY, write us at comments@nextgenplayer.com

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